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Can we go now? Please…


It’s Sunday afternoon and Ant is driving us into town so I can grab a new sleeping bag for George. One that hasn’t got a pink mouse ballerina on, preferably. The poor boy has suffered the indignity of his current hand-me-down for ages and seeing as we’re going on holiday next weekend, he can have […]

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Ten Days of a (Not) Cleaning Mother


DAY EIGHT: That is it. I need to clean. The house is minging. We are all miserable. Even the fridge seems to have a resting bitch face.

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Sleep, Imperfect Sleep


It’s 3.47 in the bastard morning and I’m being woken up because of a bloody bunny that doesn’t exist.

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Part One: The Night that Made My Dad Kill Himself


I ask mum where dad is. She says that the men came to the house in the night and took dad away.

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There’s a Party on the Hill…


I gave up. Without shouting the word C*NT, I couldn’t see any other way of explaining it.

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I can’t believe I had ever dismissed Venice for being a bit watery and too pigeony. But it just goes to show: life is all about who you are with.

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It was an absolute mad house. Children, animals, friends. Pigeon shit. Knocked over plant pots from where the pig had got a bit carried away.

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The Importance of Wine


I love wine. Not too much. But quite a lot. I have two WFDs (Wine Free Days) a week. Sometimes, I might not. But then, like this week, I’ve saved up my wine points so I can have a few weeks where I give my WFDs a holiday. I don’t know whether that theory is […]

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Can I Have a Dog, Mum-Mum?


Olivia wants a dog. She asks me for one a billion times, every single day. “Mum-mum. Pink dog I want?” I respond by singing, “Nooooo!” in a silly voice and then running off to hide and she chases me. She’ll then forget about the sodding pink dog and the situation is resolved for about 30 […]

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My Husband Ant


“Do you remember that one that you went out with that tried to shoot me? I woke up to be staring down the barrel of a gun.”

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