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Uvvuh Granny


She loves me, her mummy, with every teeny-tiny gorgeous little bone of her body and for today, I want her to believe that I will be with her forever.

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The Year of the Rude Book


They weren’t reading books chosen by Wanker-Robber Richard and his mate Alcho Boob-Head Judy. THEY WERE READING THE RUDE BOOK! With the racy bits in it!

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It was an absolute mad house. Children, animals, friends. Pigeon shit. Knocked over plant pots from where the pig had got a bit carried away.

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The Importance of Wine


I love wine. Not too much. But quite a lot. I have two WFDs (Wine Free Days) a week. Sometimes, I might not. But then, like this week, I’ve saved up my wine points so I can have a few weeks where I give my WFDs a holiday. I don’t know whether that theory is […]

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Can I Have a Dog, Mum-Mum?


Olivia wants a dog. She asks me for one a billion times, every single day. “Mum-mum. Pink dog I want?” I respond by singing, “Nooooo!” in a silly voice and then running off to hide and she chases me. She’ll then forget about the sodding pink dog and the situation is resolved for about 30 […]

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My Husband Ant


“Do you remember that one that you went out with that tried to shoot me? I woke up to be staring down the barrel of a gun.”

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IMG_20150625_142518 (1)

Hormonal adjective informal Affected by one’s sex hormones, especially so as to feel moody eg My wife threw the iron at my head and cried about the blood on the carpet when I said that I was going to play football again on Saturday afternoon. I think she was probably feeling hormonal. I was somewhere […]

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So it didn’t matter that the N.C.T leader hadn’t forewarned us. Because it had provided us with each other. And we’d figure this baby thing out together.

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Remembering Dad on Father’s Day


I last saw my witty, brilliantly clever dad on August 1 1994. I had just turned 11. He was 46. I was walking down the road with my friend, heading into town. He was walking up the road. He didn’t often walk; he would usually drive, so that was strange. Although not so strange that […]

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McKenna’s Lady Dog


I didn’t actually go and see the naked-crying lady. Jayne made Becki do that. I’ve managed to get bits of the story out of Becki after hard spirits.

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